Find that Rock a Rope

“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.” -Alexis Carrel, from Man, the Unknown, 1935

Some honesty today.

When I need a break, I play the online computer game, Bridges.

Quotes pop up when I win, and sometimes they are just what I need, as above.

A dear friend said, “I enjoy reading your blogs, but you are hard on yourself.”

This surprised me. I do have a tendency to be hard on myself in real life, but I didn’t realize it came across in some of my writing.

I like being honest but don’t usually want to express despair.

~•~

Is everyone hard on themselves? Is that the big obstacle to get over?

I keep wondering what it will take… to reach the success I seek.

Is it not completing my endless list of tasks?

Or is it an inside job?

is it giving up,
surrending,
and letting go?
more belief?
less brow-beating?

sometimes i feel like i’m still playing house
and haven’t grown up yet

still trying to get this whole
career thing figured out…

it seems that other people
have it all figured out
have sustainable careers

i know i do a lot of things right,
but i can’t quite crack that egg and get past playtime

i am still pushing a big rock up the hill
and dang it, after all these years,
it keeps falling back on my head
i am not really sure yet
what it will take to get that rock over the hill

maybe that’s why i get so hard on myself
because i just don’t know…
as much as i try to know,
i don’t

and i want what i do not know
like a frustrated toddler

someday,
once that rock makes its climb,
i’ll gaze back and know

~•~

people watch, hope,
come along-side and help me push

is there anyone on the other side of the hill
throwing a rope over the top and saying

hey — i see you
attach the rope to your rock
and i’ll pull you over to my side

is anyone over there?

if so, am i capable to see them
and accept their outstreched hands?

is there even an “over there”?
does that place exist?

maybe it doesn’t

but for any of you wondering the same thing:
if I get there,
i promise…
i’ll throw a rope and help you over too
i hope you see me

in the meantime, let’s keep pushing
heads down, grunting

not forgetting to lift our heads
to look around
in case there’s an easier way

maybe we go around?
or lighten the rock?
turn it into a feather and sprint?

or transform the rock into a softball
and huck it over?

or surrender to the process

let me know if you figure it out
and find that rope

i’ll do the same

and no giving up

♡ Annie

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

Originally published at http://www.jomafilms.com on February 7, 2020.